JU’s own Jedi Knight of the Right….
A long time ago, in a blogsphere far, far away……
There was young, idealistic man named Elie.
Elie, like so many of his generation, was very much enamored of liberal ideals. He had served in the military for some time, fighting in the long War of Questionable Necessity (which had actually been entered into by an older Leftist Sith Lord, the fearsome, dog-ear-pulling Darth Lyndon), and emerged to join the new Leftist movement that had sprung up in response to it.
It was from his indoctrination into that fellowship that Elie eventually acquired his new name: "Darth Raginglib".
He soon grew into prominence himself as a Leftist Sith Lord.
For many years he proudly declared his liberal stance to any and all who would hear. He worked diligently against his enemies, the conservative Jedi Rights of the Old Republic(an). And he was happy.
But, after many years serving the leftist Dark Side as a devout and powerful Sith, Darth Raginglib began to see that his beloved Left was changing; it was growing ever more radical, clinging more and more to increasingly Leftist ideals than ever before.
As he was not a crackpot, an ideologue or a sheep, this troubled him greatly. Cracks began to show in his faith. Doubt crept in. The floodwaters of questions flowed in, freezing in the cold of fear, and widening those cracks even more.
It was not long before he began his slow process of drawing away from the Dark Side; his incredulity at the increasing leftward drift of many of his fellow believers and Siths caused him great emotional distress. He had to pull away. And so he did.
Thus was born Darth Moderateman, a moderate liberal who, acting as something of a rogue, attacked both sides with equal aplomb, but still focused much of his energies on the Jedi Rights.
He eventually found a new home…the great and terrible World Wide Web. There, working from his base at JU Station and often using his one-man warship, the aptly named "Ramblings of a Twisted Mind", he flung with renewed vigor his venom and derision at those whose beliefs took them too far in either direction.
But then, in the year 2004, something traumatic happened in Darth Moderateman’s political life. The creature with two faces, Senator Kerry, Representative of the wealthy red planet of Ket-Chup (with its two green moons, Pickles and Relish), a man whom Darth Moderateman felt to be duplicitous and possibly even traitorous, was being touted for election as Supreme Chancellor.
Kerry, a fellow veteran of the War of Questionable Necessity, had once, in his callow youth, followed the Leftist movement utterly and turned on his fellow veterans, deriding the war, them, and their efforts. He had even, years before, publicly tossed out his medals, and now, here he was, using references to them as leverage to get votes. Never having apologized for these indiscretions, he now cynically and hypocritically sought to use his position as a veteran of that war as political capital.
This angered Darth Moderateman, to see those who had once angrily belittled and ridiculed the war and the efforts made there, who had even thrown trash and vile insults at him and his fellow warriors, now smiling so happily to be associated with one of its veterans. It troubled him further to see his former fellow Leftist adherents so avidly supporting a man whom he knew to be a fraud.
You see, Moderateman, as a recovering Sith himself, knew Senator Kerry’s most closely-guarded secret; he had recognized him as the evil Darth Hanoijohn, called "The Flipflopper". A powerful and manipulative Sith in his own right, he was brother-in-spirit of the treacherous, wretched and reviled Darth Hanoijane, also called "Betrayer", "Comforter of Enemies" and "Collector of Spit".
If elected to the office of Chancellor, Kerry would make changes in the Old Republic(an) that Darth Moderateman, in his new state of mind, could no longer tolerate.
So Darth Moderateman, discovering and understanding at last the fulfillment, the calm pragmatism and common sense, the linear thought, that had eluded him as a Leftist Sith, shed completely the black cloak of sanctimoniousness and questionable morality. He threw aside the garment of the tree-hugging environut, of deceit, chaos and alarmist fear-mongering that at least a small part of him still clung to.
He adopted the elegant though utilitarian robes of the Jedi Rights and took up his new weapon, the red-white-and-blue-bladed "rightsaber".
He wielded this weapon skillfully, joyfully taking swipes at the shallow, single-minded, pretentious, arrogant and self-righteous liberals he now found not just annoying, but perhaps even threatening to his way of life.
The Battle of Election Day was harsh, with the Siths working hard to push their candidate into office.
Siths such as Darth Slovenly, also known as "Michael-Who-Makes-Movies-Nobody-Really-Sees", Darth Slanderous, also known as "Al-Who-Thinks-He’s-Funny", Darth Irrelevant, also called "Sean-the-Tool-of-Tyrants" and the virulently anti-gun Darth Lesbian, also called "Rosie who Rivets Her", came out in full battle regalia, and the fighting was fierce.
But, the Jedi Rights, joined now by Moderateman, closed ranks and held off the onslaught of lies, propaganda and shallow promises from the evil Sith Lord Hanoijohn and his acolytes, and were victorious even despite a close battle.
Now, having shed once and for all the appellation of "Darth", Jedi Master Moderateman battles the desperate, whining and weakened Siths of the Left with the skill and knowledge of one who has lived and worked among them. He now stands firmly in rank with those of us resisting the Leftist Sith destroyers.
Welcome, Master Jedi; we’re glad to have you.