The Left's heroic champions of what they perceive as the American Way
Warning: Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!
Though intended to be humorous (we’ll see), this post does contain quite a bit of adult-oriented language.
(Melodramatic Voiceover)
"And now….time for another excitingly irrelevant episode of Angryman and FoulMouth!"
(Music begins---a flowing medley of "Give peace a chance", "War", "Imagine", "Hair" and "Age of Aquarius")
(Melodramatic Narration, over music, fade-in to a giant Donkey head with a bouquet of daisies in its mouth appearing in the center of the screen; filling the screen behind the Donkey is a burning American flag and angrily chanting Arabs)
"Yes, Angryman and FoulMouth….those single-minded champions of rhetorical liberalism!"
(As the narration begins, Angryman and FoulMouth appear onscreen, standing heroically, capes whipping in the wind, the Donkey smiling benignly behind them as the flag burns.
Angryman’s costume consists of a threateningly black spandex bodysuit, angry red cape and boots. On his chest is an red-orange and gray mushroom cloud, and his belt buckle is a stylized "A".
FoulMouth’s costume is a purple bodysuit, made of recycled, biodegradable material, of course, with pink cape, pants and boots; the insignia on her chest is an open-beaked parrot with left wing extended and a crossed-out question mark over its head----this is to symbolize that she only parrots left-wing rhetoric and never questions it. Her cape is emblazoned with a large rainbow and a blue fetus, symbols of her unbending, unquestioning support of Gay Rights and abortion; her belt buckle is a left-facing red Donkey holding a hammer and sickle)
"Angryman----who, disguised as mild-mannered Clark Iconoclast, uses his superhuman ability to whip himself into a sarcasm-slathered frenzy when faced with the superior arguments of a rightist opponent! When faced with utter defeat, this ability results in his vaporizing into a raging mushroom cloud of anger, which in turn has the power to suck all the fun and enjoyment out of a debate, often making the opponent withdraw out of disinterest, allowing our hero to win by default!"
Musical bridge; ("…Im-a-gine all the pe-ople…livin’ for to-day…ah-ha—ahahaa!")
"FoulMouth----loyal sidekick of Angryman!
Disguised as Diana Dabe, sweet, middle-aged Jewish woman, her powers consist of her mighty, liberal invulnerability to all logical arguments, as well the ability to sculpt her constant flow of abominable language and overpowering flood of liberal dogma and rhetoric into a massive Left hand, which she then uses to slap her rightist enemies! This distracts unwary or unprepared conservatives, puzzled and often angered by her ridiculous and needlessly hate-filled language, causing them to wander off-topic and lose track of the debate, resulting in an undeserved win for the Left!"
(Music fadeout)
Fade-in to story:
Narrator:
"As our episode begins, our heroes, Angryman and FoulMouth, have tracked the nefarious LRWS---the League of Right Wing Supporters, to their lair, the Fortress of Oppression……"
Angryman and FoulMouth crash in through a large window and land side-by-side, ready for action, both facing left (since neither of them can bear to face right).
"Doing something progressive?" Angryman said sarcastically to the archconservative villains.
"I fucking doubt it," FoulMouth said hatefully, flicking her left hand like a magician, and suddenly producing four small, razor-sharp disks, each bearing the crossed-out "W" insignia. She holds them fanlike, as one would a hand of cards.
The villains, startled, turn as one at the sound of the glass breaking. The oppressor Little Whip, clad in her black Nazi SS uniform and holding a riding crop, is first to find her voice.
(camera zooms in on Little Whip. Melodramatic narration--) "Yes, Little Whip! Longtime foe of FoulMouth!"
"Angryman and FoulMouth!" Little Whip cried.
Moderateman, the reformed liberal formerly called FearMonger, the "L" on his chest stripped off now, and replaced with an "R", and the newest official member of the group, spoke next----
"Well, if it ain’t the creepy liberal goon squad! Whattaya gonna do? Raise our taxes? Heh."
"We must resist them at all costs," Draginol, the group’s sentient supercomputer, warned in its calm, neutral, male voice (another example of the group’s exclusionary nature and oppression of women!). "The nation’s soul is at stake!"
Both sides took position opposite each other, eyeing each other warily.
"Gitmo must close!" Angryman said hotly, beginning the debate.
"Fucking-A right, Angryman!" Foulmouth said; "it must be closed immediately! They treat the poor Moslem militants there like animals! The no-good bastards only feed them three times a day, for fuck’s sake!"
"Providing Moslem chefs for them, as well," Little Whip pointed out.
Angryman and FoulMouth shuddered against this angry thrust of truth.
"Yes! But they torture them!" Angryman parried, "They make them stand for hours on end!" he crowed, his temper rising.
"Like I do for 40 hours a week at my job!" the vile RightWinger (whose costume was red, white and blue chain mail with an eagle on his chest and a large American flag for a cape, equipped with a mechanism which kept it constantly waving) retorted sharply.
Angryman and Foulmouth shuddered in synch under this withering counter-attack of logic.
"B-but…you g-g-get p-PAID at your job, you motherfucking miserable jingoistic shit!" FoulMouth replied, recovering. "They do not! They are being tortured!" she added, flinging her razor disks, each of which Little Whip casually swiped away with her riding crop. In triumph, she smiled and slapped the calf of her right jackboot with it.
"Got anymore, Dabey-Baby?" she asked.
"Tortured how?" the terrible villain Dr. Guy, wearing his reflector headband and labcoat over his scrubs, chimed in sweetly. "By being allowed to pray only five times a day? By making their guards wear gloves when handling their prayer books?"
Our heroes were seized by a palsy of agony at the Dr.’s words. "By being allowed free medical care at American taxpayer’s expense, perhaps?" Another wave of pain engulfed them as these offensive words of reason attacked their leftist, ideological slogans-as-arguments.
"They subject them to loud rock music all night long, denying them sleep!" Angryman blazed back. Extending his left index finger, he magically produced a "Kerry-Edwards ‘04" bumper sticker, which flew across the room and slapped itself firmly across Dr. Guy’s mouth, effectively silencing him. Angryman smiled coldly in triumph.
"Fuck, yeah, bitch! Take that, you racist, jingoistic Bushie fuckhead!" FoulMouth cheered happily.
"My upstairs neighbor plays loud music like that all time. I’ve learned to deal with it….so can they." Little Whip replied calmly. Another shock to the systems of our heroes.
"If youse guys would just listen to the reasons for…." Moderateman began, raising his hands in an attempt to calm things down.
"Reason….." Angryman choked, "has nothing to do with our views!" He drew himself up to his full height of 5’4", and stiffened his spine defiantly. "We do not respond to that word!" he hissed.
Suddenly, realizing that perhaps they were about to lose due to the troublesome logic of their opponents, Angryman began to spin…..slowly at first, then faster and faster. The air around him began to glow. "You righties wouldn’t know compassion if it slapped you in the face!" he yelled, following that with a string of increasingly sarcastic remarks, most of which were lost in the rush of air as he spun.
"Sure we would," Little Whip said. "It’s what American troops show the Iraqi people every day by giving them food, clothing, toys for their kids and as much protection as they can."
At this, FoulMouth stiffened and leaned slightly backward. Her eyes rolled back and closed; her voice took on an annoyingly ethereal quality as she concentrated what little mental energy she possessed (the most of which, ironically, had been drained away by the lifetime of unending liberal brainwashing she’d been subjected to).
"Neocon……" she moaned. Her arms slowly rose, and she began waving them slowly, fluidly, in wide circles and ovals, making pushing, shaping motions with her hands and fingers. Her moaning voice flowed eerily….. "…..deathcult….jingoistic….nationalist….racist….Bushitler……
global warming…smirking chimp…..no WMDs……war for oil……fuck….shit…motherfucker…asshole….her words began coming faster now, her voice rising into a frenzied screech.
"DEATHCULT…NEOCON…..CHIMP…..OILWAR…..FUCK!…BASTARD BUSH….!" Her words slammed out of her mouth now, filling the room.
"MOTHERFUCKINGIMPERIALISTRACISTFUCKINGSHITHEADCHIMP!"
With an audible gasp of indrawn breath, her eyes flew open wide and there, hovering in the space between our heroes and their evil opponents, was a giant left Hand, manipulated into physical reality and constructed completely from her liberal rhetoric and foul language.
FoulMouth smiled a calm smile and waved her left hand languidly at the righties, causing this giant Hand she’d formed out of her horrific language and knee-jerk rhetoric to mimic the motion. To her right (gag!) Angryman continued to spin faster and faster, the flow of his sarcastic inanity growing with each passing second, the glow increasing in intensity.
"The terrorist prisoners at Gitmo are not soldiers but terrorists, and so are not subject to the rules of the Geneva Convention," Dr. Guy reasoned calmly, stripping off at last the Kerry bumpersticker.
"They’re treated better in captivity than they ever could have dreamed as free men," Rightwinger added. "They receive better food, better housing and health care…..besides, if we would send them back, they’d just return to the battlefield…."
The giant Hand suddenly smacked him hard! He was dazed by FoulMouth’s language and, distracted, foggily asked something about what kind of rock music they played.
"Silence!" FoulMouth screamed insanely. " Just you shut the fuck up! Enough of your jingoistic truths and logic! No more arguments! Bush is an imperialistic dictator on a crusade to destroy Islam and control Iraqi oil reserves, and don’t you forget it! Iraqis hate us and want us to leave their country! Now!"
The hand also slapped Moderateman and Dr. Guy, who immediately began dazedly attacking other, less relevant topics on the thread. The only one left to press the attack was Little Whip.
"Who says?" she retorted in response to FoulMouth’s comment, raising her riding crop in defense, only to suffer as well a sharp slap by the Hand. Little Whip, however, having faced the fury of FoulMouth many times in the past, was not as easily affected, and continued to press, using her riding crop to hold off the Hand.
"I do," Anrgyman said calmly from his ball of light, and instantly vaporized with a bright flash into an angry mushroom cloud. Suddenly, all the fun in this thread was gone for the rightists. Put off by Angryman’s rage, they were now uninterested in continuing the debate, and slowly drifted away to other threads, allowing a total victory for our heroes!
"Victory!" Angryman shouted from nowhere, his atoms having been scattered by the explosion. "We win! Ha-Haaa!"
"Fucking way to go, Anrgyman!" FoulMouth said happily. "Motherfucking awesome!" She raised her hand for a high-five, but, realizing then that Angryman no longer, at least for the moment, possessed a physical presence, lowered it, mildly disappointed and embarrassed.
"Thanks, FM….you weren’t so bad with that Hand, either," Angryman replied cheerily, his voice coming from somewhere on the left.
FoulMouth smiled a shy smile and waved her hand dismissively, which caused the still-hovering giant left Hand to further scatter Angryman’s atoms.
"Hey! Watch that stupid thing, you dumb bitch!" he said angrily. "Now I’ll have to work harder to pull myself back together! Damn it!"
FoulMouth’s lips drew sharply into a frown. "Don’t get fucking pissed with me, you shit! I’m your goddamned partner!" she warned.
Sarcasm dripped from Angryman’s disembodied voice. "Yeah, yeah…whatever, you queer-loving ho! Since you’ve still got that stupid-ass Hand out, though, how about waving it in the direction of my voice and pushing some of my atoms back together? Give me a little help here, huh?"
"Oh, well….sorry," she said, "but I have an anti-Bush rally to attend, then a ‘save-the-purple-spotted-mosquito’ dinner. There’s only one left in the whole world and it’s a male, and it’s the only thing preventing the fucking bastard imperialist lackey US Army from building a new hospital, a school and another housing development for military families. Then I have to attend an ANTI-anti-ANTI-anti abortion rally. Very important. I really have to go now…I’m late. Bye!" With that, she left through the broken window, and was gone.
"Go!? Hey! Hey! Get back here you! Hey! Aaaah…forget you…" (sigh) "….let’s see….there’s an atom…there’s one, too. There’s another…..and another….uuuummmm…..another….."
Narrator:
"And so concludes another adventure of our brave Left Wing heroes----ANGRYMAN AND FOULMOUTH!
Tune in next week when, for the fourteenth time this week (and it’s only Wednesday), we’ll hear FoulMouth say:"
"That bastard Bush stole the election again!"
Voice of James Earl Jones: "This…is CNN!"